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Pay Attention – Notice When You Need to Slow Down

As I sat on the deck, looking out over the beautiful Costa Rican ocean, I was filled with the peacefulness and wonderment of the area.  It was heavenly to experience.  My immediate reaction was to grab for my cell phone and share the moment with friends.  I was suddenly struck with the thought that we rarely take the time to fully experience these moments which are given to us. Instead of allowing this time to nurture myself, I was already rushing off to give to others.

Nurture Yourself First

I realized that if I just allowed myself the time to “fill my tanks” first with this wonderful experience, I’d have more to give to others later.  Too often we’ve been taught that it’s selfish to think of ourselves first.  Especially if you’re a woman.  Our natural nature is to nurture others.  But with today’s busy schedules, we end up pushing ourselves past the limit of what’s healthy.  It eventually takes a toll.  We’re so busy running from one job or situation to another that we forget to slow down and do what takes care of our needs. When in fact, if we take the time to care for ourselves, in healthy and balanced ways, we end up wanting to give even more. I find that when I’m filled with joy, I can’t wait to share this with others.

When You Nurture Yourself First, You Have More to Give

When you take care of yourself, you’re much more available to help or support others.  The stronger and more nurtured you are within yourself, the more you have to give. 

Once I realized how much I was falling into the programmed response to take care of others before I took care of myself, I allowed myself to just relax and sit for a full 30 minutes –  just taking in the feelings of the moment.  When I was finished, I sent off some texts to friends. Happy to share the experience with others.  I encourage you to explore the option of taking care of yourself first.  When you do, you’re filled with joy and contentment.  You’re more willingly share this with others, because you have so much more to offer.

If you find you aren’t able to practice self-care, book a 20-minute complimentary call.  We can discuss what stands in the way of your giving to yourself.  

Contact Info:

sumi@sumijones.com 

(805) 265-9063

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Do you have a passion?  A burning desire to do something?  Do you know what you want to do but for some reason, aren’t doing it?  If you aren’t doing it, you have blocks to passion or purpose.

Maybe you’d like to be passionate about something, but haven’t discovered what it is yet.  In this article I’ll cover how to discover what blocks you from following through on your passions.  In upcoming blogs, I’ll cover ways to dissolve these blocks and if you have trouble accessing your passions, I’ll write about ways to discover what your passions are, or what your purpose is.

What Blocks You From Taking Action

If you’re not following your passion, purpose, or heart’s desire, there’s something blocking it.  Two of the biggest reasons people block their ability to take action or to drop into their passion and purpose are:

• Fear, 
• or a feeling of “Not deserving it”.  

Either of these will stop you from taking action.  Underneath procrastination, reluctance, or “reasons for not doing it” are some of the following:

• Fear of failure
• Fear of being judged
• Fear of making a mistake
• Fear of success – this one can sometimes be even more compelling than “fear of failure”
• Don’t deserve it – This one is a powerful block and links to self-worth or self-esteem
• Guilt or shame over something you before.  This creates a feeling of “I’m not worthy“
• Overwhelm – this is also a form of fear
• “I don’t have the time, energy, or money”

The list goes on.  But the reason we block ourselves is for protection. We don’t want to feel pain, discomfort, or humiliation.  These are common reactions, especially if we’ve experienced them before, and most of us have.  When we’ve had deep disappointments, felt embarrassed, ridiculed, or hurt, of course we don’t want to feel these emotions again.  We’ll do just about anything not to feel that way again – including sabotaging our own happiness or success.

Identify Your Blocks to Passion and Purpose

To identify what holds you back, look at reasons you give for  not doing something.  Dig a little deeper, if necessary.  Ask yourself why you haven’t done it.  Then ask yourself what “might happen” if I did do it?  Are you afraid or nervous about someone else’s reaction?  Do you feel like you’re on overwhelm with too much going on?  Do you think it will take away from time you spend with family or friends?  Do you think it will have an influence over your finances?

While all of these are concerns are valid reasons for not doing something, when you’re 100% congruent with what you want to do, you find a way.  You become creative and you’re driven to find solutions so you can accomplish what it is you’re passionate about.

• You reorganize your schedule so you do have time to do it. 
• You find a way to do it where it doesn’t impact you negatively in regards to your finances.
• You work through your reaction to how another person’s opinion affects you  

What if You Still Can’t Find Out What Your Underlying Fear or Doubt Is?

1. Not following through on your diet or exercise program
2. Keeping you from discovering what would work for you
3. Fully committing to finding the solution no matter what it takes

In the example of losing weight, some women have said, it was because “Then men would make inappropriate comments like they did before“, or “Then my friend would be jealous and take jabs at me or make me feel bad because she was still overweight“.  When they discovered what was holding them back from losing weight, and changed that belief, they were able to go forward and lose the weight they desired.

If You Find Yourself Back in the Same Place, Look at What’s Missing

When you find yourself back in the same position, over and over again, there’s something missing.  If you don’t feel the drive or passion to accomplish it, no matter what, there’s something standing in the way.  And that something is either fear or a feeling of not being worthy.  This can come out as “I don’t have what it takes to succeed.  I’m not enough.”  

Not “Being enough” covers a lot of areas:

1. Not good enough
2. Not smart enough
3. Not organized enough
4. Not healthy enough

When you’re 100% committed to achieving your goal, (by incorporating your passion for it), a part of you pushes through. Your passion is what fuels you to keep going when challenges come up.  

For example, if your issue was the “not healthy enough”thought, but you were committed to succeeding, you’d find a professional who could help you attain the health you need.  If it was not feeling smart enough, you’d take a class, read about it, or enlist the help of someone who could guide you through the process.  

By identifying what your fears are, you have the information and the ability to dissolve these fears and doubts.  By doing this, you find your passion and in turn, it helps you create success.

Tap Into Your Indomitable Human Spirit

As humans, our spirit and drive are amazing.  As the Urban Dictionary states. Our indomitable human spirit cannot be subdued or overcome.  We’re unconquerable.  When you bring your beliefs into alignment with what you love, there’s no stopping you.

In a future article I’ll take you through some tapping examples for releasing the fears, doubts, or blocks you have to fully taking hold of your passion and allowing it to motivate your actions.  If you want to receive the next blog article, you can check back here or sign up below for my newsletter.  In the meantime, you can check out What is EFT?  to look at a simple to learn technique, that helps dissolve any blocks  keeping you from moving forward.  

If you’re ready to discover and what your passions are, or how to remove any blocks to them, book a complimentary call.  We’ll discuss your goals and the steps you can take to a fullfilling life, based on your passions and goals.

Contact Info:

sumi@sumijones.com 

(805) 265-9063

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If you’re hard on yourself, you can change this habit. Just as you learned the habit, you can also unlearn it.   There are real steps you can take to dismantle the habit of being hard on yourself and begin to really thrive.

Being Hard on Yourself is a “Learned Habit”

In my last article, Self-Criticism – How it holds you back and How to let it go,  I talked about the process of shifting your focus from positive to negative.  Not always easy when your habit has been to focus on “What’s wrong“.  If you’re having a hard time of shifting your focus off of what you think you’re doing wrong, try viewing the process from the standpoint of, “I wonder what I can learn here?” or “What am I willing to let go of that no longer serves me in my success and my happiness?”  If you can adopt an attitude of curiosity, it becomes easier to explore the issues surrounding the habit of being hard on yourself.

To start moving your focus to one of support for yourself, begin by looking at what your underlying beliefs are.  If your underlying thoughts don’t serve you in success or your happiness, learn to identify them and then let them go.

Step One

If you read the last article, you know I asked you to identify any message you heard while growing up.  Or any actions such as a disapproving look from someone else.  If you didn’t make the list before, you can do it now.

Make a list of any of the following you experienced:

1. Negative words or phrases you heard someone say to you about how what you were doing “wasn’t enough”.  Examples of this are, “Why can’t you be more like your brother/sister?  You’re impossible.  Your room is always a mess.  When are you ever going to grow up?” 
2. These can also include – Comments about your appearance – clothes you wore, your weight, etc.

 Another source of how we learned to be hard on ourselves can be looks we saw, or actions/responses by someone else:

1. Disapproving looks
2. Rolling of eyes (directed at you)
3. Sighs of annoyance or disapproval
4. Emotions you’ve felt in regards to how you felt as a result of any of the above
5. Judgments or thoughts you made about yourself that you’re still listening to

These are just a few examples.  Think back and write down any ones you  heard, saw, or experienced.  These messages are valuable information you have to begin unwinding the habit of not letting yourself off the hook.

When you know what the messages are, it’s easier to incorporate EFT tapping into releasing them.  If you’re having trouble remembering the messages, just focus on any of the negative “self talk” that goes on in your mind.  Write them down so you can check back to the list as you go along.

Now that you have the list of thoughts, events, or emotions, it’s time to tap.

Below are some general phrases you can use to start the tapping process.  The more specific you can be, the more effective tapping is, but this is a good place to start because it can help bring up memories or events you might have forgotten.

The nice thing about tapping is it brings to the surface any underlying emotions, beliefs, or traumas we’re ready to release.  Because it’s such a safe way to examine emotions, you can move through this quickly without reliving the trauma or event in such an intense way as you originally experienced it.

EFT Tapping Examples

If you can give yourself a rating as to how hard you are on yourself, or how intensely you feel the emotions around it, this gives you an idea as to how much it shifts and how many more rounds of tapping you’ll need to get it down to a “1” or a “0”.  

Say out loud, “I’m really hard on myself.”  Give it a rating from 0-10.  10 being absolutely true and “0” being ‘not true at all.’  If you’re dealing with emotions, say “I feel … (fill in how you feel, i.e. “sad”, “discourage”, “frustrated” whatever emotion you feel), and then give that a rating.  

Now, starting on the Karate Chop (KC) point, say the following while tapping:

“Even though I heard that phrase or comment (insert the phrase you heard), and I saw “that look”, I still deeply and completely love and accept myself.

“Even though, I heard what they said and saw that look, and I learned to do the same thing to myself as a result, I accept how I feel about this.”

“Even though I’m hard on  myself and say negative things about myself (You can insert what they are here), I’m open to changing that habit.”

Now you would continue on to the tapping points while saying the following:

Eyebrow: “I’m hard on myself.”

Side of eye: “I can’t give myself a break because if I do, (fill in the blank.  i.e., “I’ll be lazy, I won’t succeed, I’m not doing well enough in my life”)

Under eye: “I can’t give myself a break. I have to keep pushing myself and punishing myself.”

Under nose: “I’m hard on myself.  

Chin: “It’s the only way I know how to be.“
Collarbone: “It’s what I learned.  They were hard on my so I learned by example and I’m a really good student, so I learned this lesson well.“
Under Arm: “I’m really hard on myself and I’m not letting this go.”

Top of Head: “I’m hard on myself and I’d like to stop doing this, I’m just not sure that I can.”

Take a breath and see what comes up.  Are there any additional emotions or memories that surfaced while you were tapping?  If so, are these more intense than the original event or emotion you started with?  If they are, then this is where you’d go next in your tapping round.

Why Am I Focusing on the Negative??

We’re often told, “Get over it.  Let it go.  Focus on the positive.”  While these are meant to help us feel better, if we don’t focus on exactly what our subconscious mind is saying, we won’t be able to release how we feel, or change the messages.  Until you acknowledge how you feel, you won’t be able to release it.  Our subconscious wants what’s best for us, so it keeps track This is why you need to first tap on the negative.  Once the intensity starts to go down, then you add in tapping rounds of the positive.  What you’re doing is telling yourself (and your subconscious), “I hear you. I honor how you feel, and you’re worth it.”  You’re letting yourself know that your emotions are valuable.  They’ve given you good information, and now you can release them.  By doing this, you build on your self-worth and let your subconscious mind relax.

Here’s an example round of the positive:

Eyebrow:  “I’m letting go of these negative feelings and thoughts.“

Side of Eye:  “They’re moving out now“

Under Eye: “All of these emotions and thoughts”

Under Nose: “This belief I’m not good enough”

Chin: “This belief I have to keep beating myself up“

Collarbone: “I’m letting them all go now“

Under Arm: “They’re moving out now”
Top of Head: “I’m letting them go.  They’re moving out, and that feels good.  Thank you body for letting these emotions go.”

While this is not the end of the process here, it gives you a place to start.  With any deeply held belief, thought, or emotion, it’s quicker and easier to work with a professional  Their outside view can help you discover areas you might have hidden from yourself.  If you’re able to work with a professional right now, at least begin the process. It will help.

Remember, this a process and it might take a little time to unravel all the beliefs you have about yourself.  It’s a journey and one worth taking.  Be easy on yourself as you do it.

  

If you want to learn how to easily let go of being hard on yourself, book a complimentary call. I can discuss ways you can learn to let go of patterns or critical self-talk so you can more easily move forward in your life.  

Contact Info:

sumi@sumijones.com 

(805) 265-9063

If you’d like to receive notifications of events, discounts, and future blogs, sign up below

If the above statements ring true for you, or if you think you might be overly critical, ask yourself the following.  

• Do I constantly pick apart what I’m doing, how I’m acting, or what I wear?
• Do I find it hard to be happy with my accomplishments, my looks, my behavior?  
• Do I find it hard to accept compliments for something I’ve accomplished?
• Do you feel stalled in your attempts to start something new, ask yourself the following.    
• Do I ever feel as if what I’m doing isn’t “good enough”?  
• Am I afraid to take a chance for fear I’ll make a mistake or fail at whatever I want to do?
• Do I have a hard time giving myself a break?

If any of these sound familiar, or you answered “yes” to any of these, then you’re holding yourself back – not only from moving forward with success, but also of having happiness and contentment in your life.

It’s great to strive for excellence, however, if  you aren’t able to let yourself off the hook when you’re anything less than perfect, then you’re being too critical of yourself.  Your own judgment of yourself stands in the way of happiness.  It slows down your ability to make decisions, and it gets in the way of taking action in your life.

While you might know it’s not helpful to be overly critical, maybe you haven’t found a way to rid yourself of these thoughts and feelings.  If you can’t accept yourself for who you are, then maybe it’s time to make a change. Maybe it’s time to give yourself some understanding and compassion.

By understanding and unraveling past events that created this view of who you are, you can let it go and create a happier, more successful life.

What are some of the feelings associated with Self-Criticism?

Below is a list of thoughts or feelings common to negative thoughts or beliefs: 

• Not doing a good enough job
• Falling short of your own expectations
• Feeling like you’re a failure
• Doubting your ability to take action or make decisions
• Feeling like you can’t trust your own judgment when it comes to relationships
• Not being able to stand up for yourself when you feel you’ve been wronged

You Weren’t Born Being Critical

It’s important to recognize we weren’t born critical.  It was something we learned from other people.  Whether it was from a well-meaning parent or teacher, it still created a negative self-view.  It’s not how we were meant to think about ourselves.  But through either actions we saw, such as a disapproving look, or comments we heard, we learned that we weren’t enough.  We weren’t good enough, or we just weren’t measuring up.  These were someone else’s judgments as you grew up.  They weren’t something you felt about yourself in the beginning.  And so, being the sponges we are as children, we learned the lesson of judging ourselves harshly.

Sometimes a well-meaning parent might think they’re helping their child to “be a better person“, or “excel at what they do“, when in fact, by constantly focusing on what the child is doing wrong, rather than what they’re doing right, or constantly pushing a child to do better, they undermine the child’s ability to accept themselves.  This behavior also chips away at their self-esteem and self-worth.

Some parents will compare one sibling to another with phrases like, “Why can’t you be more like your brother/sister?”  It might have been said in a moment of frustration, but it’s still damaging to the receiver of the message.  When it’s repeated enough times, it becomes a person’s “truth” or ‘Identity”. 

These kinds of messages can also undermine a person’s ability to be open and trusting in a romantic relationship.  If you feel like you’re opening yourself up for criticism when you let someone get close to you, you’ll put up all sorts of barriers.  When you raise barriers to protect yourself, you rob yourself of true intimacy.  

If opening up to another person represents criticism or hurt, of course you’ll protect yourself from feeling that pain again.  It’s a natural response. So not only are you robbing yourself of enjoying life, just as you are, but you’re also robbing yourself of intimate relationships.

Steps you can take to let go of  Self-Criticism

So, what can you do?  The good news is because it’s a learned behavior, it can be unlearned.  The process is a multilayered one, but one you can start today.  In this article I’ll focus on the beginning steps and in subsequent articles will cover how to unravel and release any emotions or beliefs attached to being critical of yourself.  

Begin by identifying any of the negative thoughts going through your mind.  Also, identify any negative or critical comments  and actions you experienced from other people as you grew up.  Write these down so you have something to work on.

Once you’ve identified these comments, thoughts, and actions, the first thing to do is to congratulate yourself for not only taking this step, but for having the willingness to even look at it.  This might not be something you usually do, but as you go through the process of letting go of judgement of yourself, you need to change your habits. 

Change your focus – Focus on what you do right.

Instead of focusing on what you’re doing wrong, begin noticing and focusing on what you do right.  While it’s good to notice what you’d like to do better, being overly critical doesn’t serve you.  It holds you back from taking risks or making decisions.  But, denying how you feel or think doesn’t change it – by stuffing your feelings, they don’t go away.  Instead, acknowledge exactly how you feel and then choose where you’re going to place your focus. 

It takes time to change habits.  But vow to do it anyway.  Practice shifting your focus from the negative to the positive.  Once you do, you’ll be surprised at how you start to notice all sorts of positive things – not only about yourself, but also about your life.  These build up over time and you find it not only lifts your mood, but it’s easier to see the positive – in yourself and in others.  In essence, you’re retraining your brain to look for what’s going right in your life, and what you’re doing right.  Like anything else you practice,  over time, it becomes a habit – the habit of noticing your positive traits and actions.

Making the choice of where you focus is only one step.  It’s a start. But an important step is in working with the thoughts or beliefs you came up with for your list.  When you deal with these and the underlying emotions connected to them, this is where real change occurs.

One other idea is to notice your response to my suggestion that you congratulate yourself for the step taken in exploring your negative thoughts.  Or the response you had to my suggestion that you change your focus from noticing what you’re doing right instead of what you’re doing wrong.  All of these reactions are valuable information for you to work with as you move away from being critical.  Write down any of these thoughts and reactions as well.

With clients I use both EFT and FasterEFT to release emotions or limiting beliefs and habits is EFT.  In my next article, Hard on Yourself- Steps You Can Take, and in consequent articles, I’ll give some examples of phrases you can tap on to collapse the feelings and release these beliefs.  You’ll gain a sense of relaxation and be able to let go of the tendency to judge yourself too harshly.  In the meantime, you can download a free copy of an EFT Chart here which includes how to do the process.  

I’ll be doing a series of posts on what you can do to release these old thoughts to change your habit of self-criticism.  In upcoming articles, I’ll lead you through some EFT tapping exercises designed to release some of these negative beliefs and help quickly change how you view yourself.  Like anything else revolving around emotions and the affect they have on us, there are layers to why we’re hard on ourselves.  With EFT you can gently look at them and release them so they no longer have a hold over you. 

 I wish you the best in beginning to see and embrace your positive qualities.



If you’re ready to take your life to the next level, book a complimentary call.  We can discuss our goals.  You an ask any questions you have and we’ll see if we’re a mutual fit. 

Contact Info:
sumi@sumijones.com 
(805) 265-9063
Santa Barbara, CA 93101

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When you’re open and accepting, you notice the people you meet or come into contact with are more generous and open as well.  Their generous, caring spirit comes out.  When you’re open and accepting, all of your relationships become stronger, deeper, and kinder.  

Another way that helps us have the feeling that all is safe in our world is by feeling we’re protected and provided for.  What gives you this feeling? Maybe for you this means you’re self-sufficient and can take care of yourself.  For others it could mean having a companion or partner who provides some kind of support and protection.  And for some it’s the spiritual feeling that we are always provided for.  Whatever helps you gain this feeling, strive for it and incorporate it into your life. 

There are different types of support.  Financial, emotional, and even physical support.  In a balanced relationship, both parties bring some kind of support to their partner.  What are you good at that you can give to the relationship?  What areas within yourself can you strengthen or expand even more?

Our Life Experiences Can Close Us Down

Sometimes your life experiences can make it hard to be open.  I grew up in the world of ballet – a very competitive environment.  It wasn’t an environment where you could be trusting or open, and survive.  There were many cut-throat dancers, going for the same parts as you.  Unfortunately for me, it caused me to close down and keep to myself.  It was what worked for me in this particular setting.

After leaving the ballet world though, I began to work on trusting others and creating loving relationships.  The happier and more open I became, the more incredibly nice, helpful, and loving people came into my life.  It was a kind of magnetic effect.  When you’re open and trusting, the people you interact with respond in kind.  Even today I’m amazed at how many wonderful people I meet.  

When you Open to Life, All Kinds of Wonderful Events and Opportunities Occur

When you open to love, keeping your heart wide open and accepting of other people, and when you connect with others in a loving or supportive way, you’ll be amazed at how many great people show up.  They seem to just pop into your life.  Many times, the people already in your life also tend to rise to the occasion themselves.  They respond to you in kinder, gentler ways.  When you decide to make the switch, if you find there are certain people who aren’t kind to you, examine how much you’re able to care about yourself and your well-being.  Decide if these are the types of people who are the best fit for your life.  Sometimes when we change, we have to leave behind what no longer works for us. Taking care of yourself and what you need to be happy and healthy, isn’t selfish. Remember, the happier you become, the more you’re able to contribute to other people.

Other Ways of Being Open

Practicing openness, not only makes a difference for you, but for the people you encounter in your life.  A “win-win” situation.

In the next article I’ll outline ways in which you can become more open and receptive.

If you want to create more openness in you, book a complimentary call.  We can discuss your goals and you can ask any questions you might have.

Contact Info:

sumi@sumijones.com 

(805) 265-9063

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