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The lesson these days many of my clients are dealing with, is how to keep from being affected by the emotions of those around them.  They’re finding that setting boundaries is even more important than ever.  Right now there are quite a few chaotic events happening, along with the emotional responses of people to them.  It’s easy to get sucked into feeling the same emotions when you’re surrounded by them, especially if the people around you are constantly venting about them.  This is where setting boundaries can help.  Sometimes, just being around someone who is constantly complaining can cause us to feel negative about our lives.  It’s contagious.  Setting boundaries for yourself in this instance is important to your own well-being.

Setting Boundaries – You Can Do It

If you decide you want to be supportive, but in a healthy way where you aren’t brought down by another person’s complaints or issues, the first place to start is in identifying what your boundaries are.   One place to start is by deciding how much time and energy you’re willing to devote to another person’s challenges.   Another thing to consider, is whether or not this person is only sharing the negative aspects of their life, or do they also share the good times?  Some people can get into the habit of only complaining. They seem to think the only way they’re able to get attention is by only telling you about their struggles.  This isn’t a balanced relationship and ends up just wearing you down if that’s all you receive from your interactions.  Healthy relationships are composed of both the good times and the bad.

If you find yourself constantly walking away from an exchange with someone, feeling drained or exhausted, that’s a pretty good indication that you’re giving too much to the relationship.

Recognize Your Value – All of Your Relationships Need to Be Balanced

It’s time to recognize that you’re important and need to do what takes care of you as well.  We can’t weaken ourselves in order to be a support to another person.  If you do, in the end, you diminish what you’re able to share with the rest of the world or with others in your life.  If you spend your time drained because of another person’s need to vent or complain, this isn’t helping anyone.  If someone is constantly in the dumps, by getting it all over you, they aren’t learning to move out of this way of existing.  When you refuse to participate in a relationship, whether friends, family, or your significant other, you give the other person the opportunity to grow.

How to Set Clear Boundaries

So how do you set clear boundaries when you want to be supportive of others?  How do you hold your boundaries when someone you care about is the one complaining?  The idea is to hold compassion for others, while maintaining your own boundaries.  In order to be the most supportive to others, you actually need to allow them to go through their particular challenges in order for them to grow.  You can feel compassion for them and offer nurturing support.  When you’re  able to stay grounded and centered through it all, it gives others a place to connect to.  But the important part is to recognize what you need in order to keep the relationship healthy and balanced.  If you get sucked in emotionally, you lose the ability to give healthy support – support where the other person can learn what they need to do in order to heal.

Once you’ve identified what it is  you need, it’s time to verbalize them to others.  This can be the tricky part, but once done, you’ll be surprised at what a relief it can be.  You might have to practice doing this if, in the past,  you haven’t spoken up for what you need.  I’ve found that the best way to express your needs, is to do it as nicely as possible.  Let the other person know you’re doing it as a way to take care of your needs so you’re better able to be supportive of them.  In an equal and caring relationship, people want what’s best for the other person as well as themselves.

Some people aren’t going to like it.  If they’re used to being able to spout misery and complaints all over the people around them, well, you’re most likely not going to get a good response from them.  It doesn’t matter. What matters is that you learn to advocate for yourself.  Once you start doing this on a regular basis, in a caring way, you’ll find people are less likely to even start crossing your boundaries. You’ll also notice how more grounded and emotionally responsible people come into your life.

Sometimes Another Person Just Needs to Vent

To be clear, I’m not saying we shouldn’t be there for our friends or family, or to sit and let another person vent occasionally.  But if it’s a constant thing, or the other person isn’t taking steps to rectify the situation they’re complaining about, they aren’t interested in getting better.  They just want company in their misery.  You really don’t help someone by being a participant in that behavior.

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Beliefs, whether conscious or not, affect how we move through life.  It’s the intentions we hold within our subconscious minds that determine how we approach life. If you want an exciting, fulfilling life, your beliefs have to match up with your intentions.  There’s no way around it. Our subconscious beliefs determine our quality of life and the outcomes we manifest.

Successful people hold hold positive ways of thinking and believing in their minds.  Their “belief system” supports them in moving through life with a purpose and with the knowledge they can succeed at whatever they attempt.

The person who is not so fortunate in life, tends to view life as if it’s ‘being done to them” and that they have very little control over the outcome. This is an understandable view in many cases -particularly if the person has had hardships early in their life.

Where did these beliefs come from?

Our early life impacts us on very deep levels.  If our childhood was difficult or traumatic, the decisions we make tell us that “life is hard”, or “no one in my family gets ahead“.  This then becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy.  Someone with this belief doesn’t usually take advantage of opportunities which present themselves.  Because they have the belief that “Life is hard”, they discount an opportunity because it couldn’t possibly work out if it wasn’t difficult..  Many times, they don’t even notice the opportunity.  It’s as if they have blinders on.

When you discover and release any of these underlying negative beliefs, your outlook changes.  Along with your life.  You develop more clarity and can see a clearer path towards your desired outcomes.

When we experience situations or events in our lives, we make a decision about what they mean. We assign a ‘positive’ or ‘negative’ meaning to that event. This is done as a way to avoid future upsets or even dangers.  Depending on prior experiences in life, our decision are based on, and tempered by former decisions we assigned to similar situations. As these similar types of situations repeat and build upon themselves, they reinforce our original belief.  Whether it’s factual or not, it becomes more and more ingrained.  Situations that occur in our lives at an early age are judged by an immature brain that doesn’t have access to the logical brain.  Because of this, the decisions we came up with at that point in our lives, aren’t necessarily true for us as adults.  It’s for this very reason you want to go back and reassess past events.  From your adult self, you can decide if these beliefs still hold true.

Where do I start?

One way to identify any negative, or limiting beliefs is to think back to the messages you heard from your parents while you were growing up.  Things like, “It’s impossible to get ahead“, or “There’s never enough time“.  Then take a look at your life and see whether or not you’ve found yourself living out these messages.  If you are, then there’s  a pretty good chance you hold those beliefs as true, somewhere in your subconscious.

Another reason to take a look at past events, especially the painful ones, is we tend to experience the  “like attracts like” effect.  We continue attracting more of the same into our lives. Until we can shift our perspective, we aren’t able to avoid these reoccurring patterns.

When you go back and release the emotional charges associated with a past emotional event or trauma, you change how you view present day events.  Instead of approaching situations from the stand point of being ‘the victim’ with no control of your own reactions, you actually view them with clarity.  You’re  more present and you have a choice in how you react.

When you do this type of healing work, your response is made from a stronger and clearer place. Consequently, your reactions are appropriate to the current situation, instead of being determined by your past. Because of this more relaxed state, you tend to be more compassionate and filled with ease.

Be willing to look at what no longer works for you.  Decide to choose success.  Be daring in looking at what beliefs or decisions you’ve made that hold you back. They only stand in the way of you being the absolute best version of yourself.